Settling the Score... Keys and Krates - One in A Million

This morning, I WOKE UP.
Feeling brand new and I jumped up
Feeling my highs, and my lows
In my soul, and my goals
Just to stop smokin, and stop drinkin
And I've been thinkin - I've got my reasons
Just to get (by), just to get (by)
Just to get (by), just to get (by)

If only. As per usual, I'm up in the middle of the night. I can't sleep. Baby.

So I'm on the net and I bump into this footage of my good good friend and pseudo protege, Jr. Flo and his new project Keys and Krates (the evolution of Symphony). I think it speaks for itself. Sick.

Check out Keys and Krates TV here...



and here...




and here...



Damn homey. I guess that B-Boy Document cd is out of the ? LOL.

Quarter-Life Crisis part 2?

What's up?

As per usual lately (for me, not for you), I have insomnia. It's 4:51am, and as per the last few weeks/months, I've awoken from my sleep choking on acid - I'm assuming some sort of reflux to the stresses and strains of life... And I don't have it that bad, so I'm assuming I'm not the only one with insomnia right now. I think we need an insomniacs msn group.

This particular morning I awoke to Blue Streak, a movie with Martin Lawrence that I've seen the beginning and the end of about 130 times, but for some reason have never seen the middle of. I usually just awake to him chasing the criminal (other criminal) through the Mexico border.

I digress. I awoke on the couch with my feet in a set of bills - presumably the cause of my nightmare... but then I realized that Daddy Daycare with Eddie Murphy was on. Got to love late great movies. [If it didn't get cold in my house I would never go in my bed it seems].

Anyway, there was an outlandish Enbridge bill that I can't explain except that maybe I don't understand the equal billing system (cough: scam)... Everyone knows that once they GET your money, they're not giving it back. I even called Enbridge and listened to their nonsensical pre-recorded message. It explained that "although you may not have turned up your heat, in colder months, your furnace has to work harder, so your bill will be higher. Also, if you have more people in your house, your bill will be higher. If you have less people in your house, your bill will be higher". WTF? If I'm eating Smart Food and water will my bill be higher as my furnace tries to make up for the extra fat? Presumably.

So my feet were in these bills - and one cold set ah bills they were (as my dad would say in his Trini accent). Hydro, Telus, life insurance, my renewed car insurance, and the list goes on. Maybe that's what I get for running off to Trinidad and not remembering that bills are like licks. In my defence however, when I came back, the lock on the mailbox was iced shut. I shouldn't have to work to pay bills - well - work to get the bills out so I can work to pay them. So I did what any sensible person would do... I went back inside. For some hot chocolate - and I don't even like hot liquids so it was really cold.

Besides - while I was trying to get the lock undone, I felt a sudden and incredible urge to go to the bathroom. I don't ever remember being conscious of this before now, but lately, being in the cold for extended periods of time (more than 4 minutes) causes me to want to go pee. Real talk. And there's something going on with my bladder lately. I swear I came this close to peeing myself the other day - I got the key in the keyhole and around half the way up the hall (pants near knees), I thought "I'm not going to make it". I made it, but I nearly needed a cleanup in aisle 3. It was so close, I checked to make sure I didn't leak. Is this a sign of getting old? Cause I'm not even close.

Which would lead me to the point of this entry... I think there's something wrong with me. Last night, I got up and wrote an emotional blog about friendship. By early morning, I got up and erased it. My moods are ridiculously out of wack right now, and I can't even blame an aunt visiting. Is it the winter blues? I talked to Jems earlier in an attempt to explain it, but the words just came out like the teacher in Peanuts... and I ended up telling her I'd call back. I did the same thing with Wan earlier in the day.

One day I'm on top of the world, then the next day I'm in a rut. Today I just felt so overwhelmed like this isn't what I signed up for. Furthermore, I did everything they told me to do. I went to school, I got good (okay) marks, and I'm a good person. I'm not the best parent ever, but I really do my best. I even do charity and volunteer work.

This isn't what they promised. I wish everyday could be like Trinidad carnival. I think I'm having a MIDLIFE CRISIS - or a Quarter Life Crisis Part 2, or continued or like the new version of Knight Rider with KITT as a Mustang and no David Hasselhoff (it sucks). One moment it's Mozeltoff, then the next I just don't know. One moment, I feel like my achievements are incredible - and they are - trust me, I'm not unappreciative of the things I've been lucky enough to do. But then the fear sets in... where will I be in 10 years. I want to be in love. But I run from love. Sometimes. I want to change my car (and this one's been going on for ages), but I'm so torn. One argument says "your car is fine... don't get caught up in the materialistic". The other one says "you work hard, and you deserve it... besides your car is getting older and it's going to start giving trouble". I worry what people will think then give them the finger simultaneously and argue that I work more hours than most 2 income households.

Then there's the friend thing. Somedays I feel like I can't be bothered, cause I feel like I invest more energy in friendships than others do - but then equally there are friends that call me that I don't call back at all or in a timely manner. Is this self centredness? (I know it's not a word), but do I want the friendships that I want and ignore the others? Some days I reminisce on my best friendships ever, and sometimes I even pick up the phone and call - and sometimes I come off the phone like "that was pointless", as the "soooooo, what else is going on"s and the dead air nearly killed us both. Nas said "a thug changes, and love changes, and best friends become strangers.... word up".

I just don't know. Some of my best friendships have been relegated to facebook wall messages. And I ignore most of those as I feel like they're insincere or lacking effort. But then I do the same, thinking - it's better that we communicate like this than not at all. "Word up".

I guess I'm just confused. This is a tumultuous time for all of us. And I'm sure the Enbridge bill just further reminded me that this is not back in the day... but somedays I sit and wish I was a kid again. The only solace I feel is in the understanding that I'm not the only one confused right now... I went to a party on Friday night - not one of mine, and a few people came up to me and said things like "you inspire me" or "I'm such a fan of your..." and "I'm not drunk but I just want to tell you that I appreciate..." and "back in the day you spoke at this camp with Mike Malcolm and you changed my life". I got home and felt like crying. Then I got back to work.

I feel the insomnia fading, so I'm going to end this now... I'm not complaining - and for the most part, I'm happy. I'm successful in successful terms. And I'm blessed I do what I love and love what I do. Which is my message to the world - find what you love - you truly LOVE - that makes your heart smile. For me it's marketing {anyone see the Obay campaign? Genius. Thanks to Laura on the heads up}. And music. And do it. It will make money.

Sometimes however, I look at us (like when you're on an airplane landing) and I wonder as I did when I watched ants when I was a kid - why do we do these things we do? We create needs - buy big homes and big cars that we become slaves to. Our marriages and loves end fighting over the money we don't have or the time that we can't make because we have to work to make money so we'll have time later. I wonder why we don't just go back to living subsistence - farm the food we need, eat and be happy, love and be loved

But then I want more...

I'm off to bed. Gotta get up at 6 and go clean my parents snow (and it's 5:42)... For the first time ever I'm seeing them age. The other day I wanted to cry (this is coming like a theme) - I watched as my father (who has always been superman to me) grimaced while attempting to life a shovel of snow. And for the first time ever I thought about the fact that they're getting older. I've noticed that roles have started to reverse a bit, but had never thought of it before now. I guess that's the topic of my next blog. This is really therapeutic.

I just realized a last thing. My email used to be a blog - so honest and pure. But then I started to worry that the thoughts were too personal. And although the emails are still good, they lost a part of what made them great. So interestingly enough, I ventured off to write a blog to speak my truths, but I think the blogs are going to become the body of email. Thought in process.

I'm gone.


I


p.s. You ever see those commercials for the bath tubs for elderly people who can't sit or lie down in a tub? The door opens and they just walk in? I'm I wrong for wanting one of those? Cause between my knee, my achilles, and now my back and arm, I really can't lie down either. See what late night tv watching does?

The quarter life crisis...

It's when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn't know and may or may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared.

You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren't so great after all.

You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not. You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better. You love someone but maybe love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person.

You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision.

You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

Family Day indeed... The Globe and Mail ADDS insult to injury.

This cartoon ran in the Monday, February 18, 2008 edition of the Globe and Mail.

I could sit here and state the obvious racist implications of the cartoon, but why bother.

Coincidentally, the oldest known mathematical artifact was discovered 37,000 years ago and is called the Lebombo Bone [Swaziland]. The oldest example of math calculations took place 27,000 years ago with the Ishango Bone in Zaire.

The argument over Black focused schools continues to be a moot one - Black history, Chinese history, Indian history etc being taught to ALL children is the only way to create understanding and alleviate racism.

Happy Black History month...

I

Who are you? b/k/a Friend purgatory awaits...

So it's like 4:37 am on Wednesday morning. I have insomnia.

I'm listening to Jester's Groovy soca mix... (Assume the position start flickering yu bam bam). I think I'm delirious like Eddie. Did she just say "I want a man that can jam like strawberry... penetrate and slam like Marbury"?

Anyway, I'm like, if I'm up, I may as well get some clean up work done... I started copying files to my external hard drive and decided that I should try and clear up some of the backlog on my facebook account... Somehow, like my room, I don't know where to start. 290 friend requests.154 other requests. And what the hell is a speed racing invitation?

Why the hell do people send these things? This is EXACTLY the reason I took down the fun wall. Foolishness.

290 friend requests. I'm not sure how it got like this? It was 5, and I didn't recognize someone. Before I knew it it was 30. Then 100. LET'S BE CLEAR. I'm not looking friends for popularity. I am always looking to meet new people, and maybe add a friend every few years. I love people - and I'm always intrigued by people's stories and what exists beyond the nightclub. So as I said... I'm down to add you. But you see this - add with no message and then never speak to me again - ish? It's stopping now. And there's always myspace for miscellaneous people.

If you want to know about my events, please join one of the groups.. For instance...

IAN ANDRE ESPINET EVENTS: Amnesia x Soul Kitchen x B-Boy Document x ICON...

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=2404982302

or the Amnesia group -

AMNESIA :: THE SOUNDTRACK TO OUR LIVES...

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=2246072823

I have like 5 or something... B-Boy document, Amnesia, 2 Ian events groups and the "Opinionated Friends of Ian Andre Espinet" group where we talk about stuff like if it's okay for your best friend to date your ex... I even have a new "fangroup" where I'm going to be putting all things about all of my businesses. If you just want info, PLEASE JOIN ONE OF THOSE GROUPS... we don't NEED to be friends. Just search my name and add away...

Here's a head start... http://www.facebook.com/s.php?q=ian+andre++espinet&init=q

Now I want to be clear here... I'M NOT BEING RUDE. I appreciate EVERY single person who thinks that I'm worthy of adding... BUT, a little facebook courtesy. Please tell me who you are, that you like my parties, that you think my belly's cute, that you met me through your friend Mel or your Auntie Patsy. BUT WRITE SOMETHING. Cause if you changed your hairstyle and I don't recognize you, etc, chances are you'll end up in friend requests purgatory. Forever...

That was this morning's public service announcement.

I

p.s. I really really have to know you well to add you if you're a man with no shirt. This is a shirtless man free zone. Ladies - does that really work?

p.p.s. Isn't it funny how everyone's a supermodel on Facebook?

p.p.p.s. I'm going to make a shirt that says "you looked better on facebook".

p.p.p.p.s. And how come girls have so much talk online and NONE in person. Did they rehearse?

p.p.p.p.p.s. I out on the road... I there with my friends... If you looking for me... you'll find me again - I right around de bend. I miss Trinidad.

p.p.p.p.p.p.s. Check the pictures on my page.... http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=716250226 .... I think I'm going to go look now and cry.

The [kick the] Bucket List. Coming to grips with my mortality... [We live, we die, and the wheels on the bus go round and round].

Carter Chambers: "Forty-five years goes by pretty fast".
Edward Cole: "Like smoke through a keyhole".

So I watched this movie on Sunday. Oh... before I get into that, let's talk about Sunday. I was trapped in the Twilight Zone. Nothing could go right... it was like shopping in Eglinton West where the customer is always wrong.

So anyway, I came in after a four hour shopping expedition to Costco. {Editor's note: You ever see that commercial where there's a bus driving around the store saying the stops - housewares, tires etc? That's Costco}. So after 4 hours, K and I walked out with $70 worth of stuff. We tried every sample in the store, but in reality there wasn't that much there to buy unless you have a football team at home to feed (what's that soup again?).

I came home and my kitchen was flooded... so I went over to the property management office. No one was there and for the first time EVER in life - and keeping in mind my present weight - I slipped and fell.

Let's take a moment to talk about this. You ever see someone fall and their arms do a COMPLETE 360 like in the warmups at the gym? That was me. I fell on my back and threw my arm out at the last moment, saving my life. Another inch and I would have hit the back of my head on the sharp step and bled out behind the snow bank blocking view of the bottom of the stairs.

Anyway, my back looks like someone took a solid black market to it about the width of 4 fingers, and the same goes for my arm - I actually landed on the bottom stair with it... I'm going to get some x-rays done. But I ended up coming in and lying on my stomach (which is mad uncomfortable by the way) and watching this movie called the Bucket List.

The premise is simple... These guys are about to die, and they make a list of all the things they want to do before they kick the bucket. After my fall, I just decided I'm not waiting. I'm starting on my list today.

That's all.

I

p.s. Kopi Luwak is the most expensive coffee in the world, selling for between $120 and $600 USD per pound, and is sold mainly in Japan and United States. LMAO.

p.p.s. Go watch the movie - the quotes are great. "We live, we die, and the wheels on the bus go round and round".


Random hilariously stupid video of the day...

My first post. I thought I should say something before I say something.

Welcome. This is my first ever post. I write every week for my emails, but this will be more personal. The things I can't say, and the things I want to say and just don't. Life. Love. Music.

I was inspired by Lissa Noel (no relative of the guy that gives out gifts) months ago, and just never really got around to it. Til now. Besides, everyone else has one. And, I've got flavor like pralines so hey...

Walk with me.

I