Quarter-Life Crisis part 2?

What's up?

As per usual lately (for me, not for you), I have insomnia. It's 4:51am, and as per the last few weeks/months, I've awoken from my sleep choking on acid - I'm assuming some sort of reflux to the stresses and strains of life... And I don't have it that bad, so I'm assuming I'm not the only one with insomnia right now. I think we need an insomniacs msn group.

This particular morning I awoke to Blue Streak, a movie with Martin Lawrence that I've seen the beginning and the end of about 130 times, but for some reason have never seen the middle of. I usually just awake to him chasing the criminal (other criminal) through the Mexico border.

I digress. I awoke on the couch with my feet in a set of bills - presumably the cause of my nightmare... but then I realized that Daddy Daycare with Eddie Murphy was on. Got to love late great movies. [If it didn't get cold in my house I would never go in my bed it seems].

Anyway, there was an outlandish Enbridge bill that I can't explain except that maybe I don't understand the equal billing system (cough: scam)... Everyone knows that once they GET your money, they're not giving it back. I even called Enbridge and listened to their nonsensical pre-recorded message. It explained that "although you may not have turned up your heat, in colder months, your furnace has to work harder, so your bill will be higher. Also, if you have more people in your house, your bill will be higher. If you have less people in your house, your bill will be higher". WTF? If I'm eating Smart Food and water will my bill be higher as my furnace tries to make up for the extra fat? Presumably.

So my feet were in these bills - and one cold set ah bills they were (as my dad would say in his Trini accent). Hydro, Telus, life insurance, my renewed car insurance, and the list goes on. Maybe that's what I get for running off to Trinidad and not remembering that bills are like licks. In my defence however, when I came back, the lock on the mailbox was iced shut. I shouldn't have to work to pay bills - well - work to get the bills out so I can work to pay them. So I did what any sensible person would do... I went back inside. For some hot chocolate - and I don't even like hot liquids so it was really cold.

Besides - while I was trying to get the lock undone, I felt a sudden and incredible urge to go to the bathroom. I don't ever remember being conscious of this before now, but lately, being in the cold for extended periods of time (more than 4 minutes) causes me to want to go pee. Real talk. And there's something going on with my bladder lately. I swear I came this close to peeing myself the other day - I got the key in the keyhole and around half the way up the hall (pants near knees), I thought "I'm not going to make it". I made it, but I nearly needed a cleanup in aisle 3. It was so close, I checked to make sure I didn't leak. Is this a sign of getting old? Cause I'm not even close.

Which would lead me to the point of this entry... I think there's something wrong with me. Last night, I got up and wrote an emotional blog about friendship. By early morning, I got up and erased it. My moods are ridiculously out of wack right now, and I can't even blame an aunt visiting. Is it the winter blues? I talked to Jems earlier in an attempt to explain it, but the words just came out like the teacher in Peanuts... and I ended up telling her I'd call back. I did the same thing with Wan earlier in the day.

One day I'm on top of the world, then the next day I'm in a rut. Today I just felt so overwhelmed like this isn't what I signed up for. Furthermore, I did everything they told me to do. I went to school, I got good (okay) marks, and I'm a good person. I'm not the best parent ever, but I really do my best. I even do charity and volunteer work.

This isn't what they promised. I wish everyday could be like Trinidad carnival. I think I'm having a MIDLIFE CRISIS - or a Quarter Life Crisis Part 2, or continued or like the new version of Knight Rider with KITT as a Mustang and no David Hasselhoff (it sucks). One moment it's Mozeltoff, then the next I just don't know. One moment, I feel like my achievements are incredible - and they are - trust me, I'm not unappreciative of the things I've been lucky enough to do. But then the fear sets in... where will I be in 10 years. I want to be in love. But I run from love. Sometimes. I want to change my car (and this one's been going on for ages), but I'm so torn. One argument says "your car is fine... don't get caught up in the materialistic". The other one says "you work hard, and you deserve it... besides your car is getting older and it's going to start giving trouble". I worry what people will think then give them the finger simultaneously and argue that I work more hours than most 2 income households.

Then there's the friend thing. Somedays I feel like I can't be bothered, cause I feel like I invest more energy in friendships than others do - but then equally there are friends that call me that I don't call back at all or in a timely manner. Is this self centredness? (I know it's not a word), but do I want the friendships that I want and ignore the others? Some days I reminisce on my best friendships ever, and sometimes I even pick up the phone and call - and sometimes I come off the phone like "that was pointless", as the "soooooo, what else is going on"s and the dead air nearly killed us both. Nas said "a thug changes, and love changes, and best friends become strangers.... word up".

I just don't know. Some of my best friendships have been relegated to facebook wall messages. And I ignore most of those as I feel like they're insincere or lacking effort. But then I do the same, thinking - it's better that we communicate like this than not at all. "Word up".

I guess I'm just confused. This is a tumultuous time for all of us. And I'm sure the Enbridge bill just further reminded me that this is not back in the day... but somedays I sit and wish I was a kid again. The only solace I feel is in the understanding that I'm not the only one confused right now... I went to a party on Friday night - not one of mine, and a few people came up to me and said things like "you inspire me" or "I'm such a fan of your..." and "I'm not drunk but I just want to tell you that I appreciate..." and "back in the day you spoke at this camp with Mike Malcolm and you changed my life". I got home and felt like crying. Then I got back to work.

I feel the insomnia fading, so I'm going to end this now... I'm not complaining - and for the most part, I'm happy. I'm successful in successful terms. And I'm blessed I do what I love and love what I do. Which is my message to the world - find what you love - you truly LOVE - that makes your heart smile. For me it's marketing {anyone see the Obay campaign? Genius. Thanks to Laura on the heads up}. And music. And do it. It will make money.

Sometimes however, I look at us (like when you're on an airplane landing) and I wonder as I did when I watched ants when I was a kid - why do we do these things we do? We create needs - buy big homes and big cars that we become slaves to. Our marriages and loves end fighting over the money we don't have or the time that we can't make because we have to work to make money so we'll have time later. I wonder why we don't just go back to living subsistence - farm the food we need, eat and be happy, love and be loved

But then I want more...

I'm off to bed. Gotta get up at 6 and go clean my parents snow (and it's 5:42)... For the first time ever I'm seeing them age. The other day I wanted to cry (this is coming like a theme) - I watched as my father (who has always been superman to me) grimaced while attempting to life a shovel of snow. And for the first time ever I thought about the fact that they're getting older. I've noticed that roles have started to reverse a bit, but had never thought of it before now. I guess that's the topic of my next blog. This is really therapeutic.

I just realized a last thing. My email used to be a blog - so honest and pure. But then I started to worry that the thoughts were too personal. And although the emails are still good, they lost a part of what made them great. So interestingly enough, I ventured off to write a blog to speak my truths, but I think the blogs are going to become the body of email. Thought in process.

I'm gone.


I


p.s. You ever see those commercials for the bath tubs for elderly people who can't sit or lie down in a tub? The door opens and they just walk in? I'm I wrong for wanting one of those? Cause between my knee, my achilles, and now my back and arm, I really can't lie down either. See what late night tv watching does?