They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis."
It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.
You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.
You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared.
You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren't so great after all.
You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not.
You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.
You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better. You love someone but maybe love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person.
You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make decision.
You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!
What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.
What's up?
I'm going through it. Again. And I'm past the first quarter of my life. Just when I thought it was over. The remix.
Somehow I thought with 30 that the problems written about in the "quarter-life crisis" that I first posted some 8 years ago would have transformed into gatherings at my new home with friends and like minded individuals for dinner parties and barbeques. Myself and my friends joked that "one day we'd all be sitting in the backyard laughing at the things we went through to get here". Although "here" is coming, "here" isn't coming soon enough. I think he got lost close by.
For some strange reason, I thought 30 was it. There was something special about it. A seriousness. All of a sudden I was mobilized. I had WANTED to move out, but now I was actively searching. I wanted to save, but all of a sudden I was putting the mechanics in place - setting up bank accounts, pre-authorizing this, paying down that. There was a seriousness - I HAD to do it. And I did. I bought a house. I was afraid as hell. I didn't ask advice of my lawyer mother or my business minded father, I only took them for an opinion on the house itself. I was asserting my adulthood - I was being a man.
I dreamt that with the adulthood that 30 brought that my relationship with my parents would take on new life - one born of the respect that comes from being an adult and one that would be reciprocated as they started to see me as one too. And it did. My relationship with my parents improved with me moving out - and I'm not sure if it's because I was out of their space, because they were proud of me or because they missed me, but it was getting better. I spoke to my mother more than ever, and my dad I bonded - first through the things we were doing together like Mas, but just in general. He was so cute - he'd bring me bread on Sunday mornings - I think secretly, they thought I was probably starving to death, and she was sending him to make sure I wasn't, and to spy on whether my house was a mess. Our roles started to reverse, with me giving them advice as opposed to vice versa, and for the first time in my life, they actually listened to me when I spoke.
30 was it. Stuff was getting better. Things that bothered me were starting to fade away.
I started to heal and thought somehow that maybe after the failure of my relationship with my child's mother that I would find love again - and did, only for one of the best relationships I'd ever had to end. Again. Adult relationships brought even more frightening realizations than 20 something ones had. A relationship was no longer just about love, but about a whole bunch of other stuff, including money. It was about your family and their family. It was about the way that we thought children should be raised, about religion, about where we wanted to go individually, and as a team, goals, dreams, support and a whole bunch of other stuff. It ended, and I realized that my ideal that "love would carry us through all things" was actually flawed. As a good friend, Dwayne Morgan told me, "sometimes, love just isn't enough". I was here, in the house that we had spoken of, which as I plotted, with her beside me, and she wasn't going to enjoy it, or see me do so.
I resigned myself to thinking, "that's life". I created new mantra, which included not caring so much about what people thought. It was a problem that my ex had with me, and one that truthfully I knew had to end. It was behind a self punishment that I needed to put to rest that included the shame that I internally went through under the judgement that I, Ian, who no one expected it of, had had a baby out of wedlock. This, coupled with knowing that the family is the foundation of any community and that as a "community minded" guy that people would judge me on actions that seemed contradictory, I was weighed down. This however, too had started to fade. I resigned myself to the fact that I would do it "properly" the "next time around". I got past the "child out of wedlock" judgement and found solace in the fact that I AM not a bad person - I'm not a baby father - I'm a parent, and a quite good one actually. I resigned myself to the fact that I couldn't worry about what people would say. They always have something to say - regardless.
I also dreamt that 30 would bring stability in the waxing and waning argument in my head of career vs. job and profession vs. both. Each year I had grappled with going back to school to do something else. As well, I yearn(ed) to be a global citizen, and to do more. I thought for some reason that the work that I'd put in to this point would also bring carefree financials. Of course, if you're in any job for a certain number of years, that job must start to bring some sort of stability... right?
One by one these things started to happen. I started to create a new group of friends with like minds and opinions. The money was coming. I tried dating again, to realize it was a big waste of time. I did however, meet some really cool girls. There was potential. I was living in my home, working hard, enjoying life a little, and enjoying some company.
Then it started to unravel...
To be continued.
It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.
You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.
You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared.
You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren't so great after all.
You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not.
You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.
You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better. You love someone but maybe love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person.
You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make decision.
You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!
What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.
What's up?
I'm going through it. Again. And I'm past the first quarter of my life. Just when I thought it was over. The remix.
Somehow I thought with 30 that the problems written about in the "quarter-life crisis" that I first posted some 8 years ago would have transformed into gatherings at my new home with friends and like minded individuals for dinner parties and barbeques. Myself and my friends joked that "one day we'd all be sitting in the backyard laughing at the things we went through to get here". Although "here" is coming, "here" isn't coming soon enough. I think he got lost close by.
For some strange reason, I thought 30 was it. There was something special about it. A seriousness. All of a sudden I was mobilized. I had WANTED to move out, but now I was actively searching. I wanted to save, but all of a sudden I was putting the mechanics in place - setting up bank accounts, pre-authorizing this, paying down that. There was a seriousness - I HAD to do it. And I did. I bought a house. I was afraid as hell. I didn't ask advice of my lawyer mother or my business minded father, I only took them for an opinion on the house itself. I was asserting my adulthood - I was being a man.
I dreamt that with the adulthood that 30 brought that my relationship with my parents would take on new life - one born of the respect that comes from being an adult and one that would be reciprocated as they started to see me as one too. And it did. My relationship with my parents improved with me moving out - and I'm not sure if it's because I was out of their space, because they were proud of me or because they missed me, but it was getting better. I spoke to my mother more than ever, and my dad I bonded - first through the things we were doing together like Mas, but just in general. He was so cute - he'd bring me bread on Sunday mornings - I think secretly, they thought I was probably starving to death, and she was sending him to make sure I wasn't, and to spy on whether my house was a mess. Our roles started to reverse, with me giving them advice as opposed to vice versa, and for the first time in my life, they actually listened to me when I spoke.
30 was it. Stuff was getting better. Things that bothered me were starting to fade away.
I started to heal and thought somehow that maybe after the failure of my relationship with my child's mother that I would find love again - and did, only for one of the best relationships I'd ever had to end. Again. Adult relationships brought even more frightening realizations than 20 something ones had. A relationship was no longer just about love, but about a whole bunch of other stuff, including money. It was about your family and their family. It was about the way that we thought children should be raised, about religion, about where we wanted to go individually, and as a team, goals, dreams, support and a whole bunch of other stuff. It ended, and I realized that my ideal that "love would carry us through all things" was actually flawed. As a good friend, Dwayne Morgan told me, "sometimes, love just isn't enough". I was here, in the house that we had spoken of, which as I plotted, with her beside me, and she wasn't going to enjoy it, or see me do so.
I resigned myself to thinking, "that's life". I created new mantra, which included not caring so much about what people thought. It was a problem that my ex had with me, and one that truthfully I knew had to end. It was behind a self punishment that I needed to put to rest that included the shame that I internally went through under the judgement that I, Ian, who no one expected it of, had had a baby out of wedlock. This, coupled with knowing that the family is the foundation of any community and that as a "community minded" guy that people would judge me on actions that seemed contradictory, I was weighed down. This however, too had started to fade. I resigned myself to the fact that I would do it "properly" the "next time around". I got past the "child out of wedlock" judgement and found solace in the fact that I AM not a bad person - I'm not a baby father - I'm a parent, and a quite good one actually. I resigned myself to the fact that I couldn't worry about what people would say. They always have something to say - regardless.
I also dreamt that 30 would bring stability in the waxing and waning argument in my head of career vs. job and profession vs. both. Each year I had grappled with going back to school to do something else. As well, I yearn(ed) to be a global citizen, and to do more. I thought for some reason that the work that I'd put in to this point would also bring carefree financials. Of course, if you're in any job for a certain number of years, that job must start to bring some sort of stability... right?
One by one these things started to happen. I started to create a new group of friends with like minds and opinions. The money was coming. I tried dating again, to realize it was a big waste of time. I did however, meet some really cool girls. There was potential. I was living in my home, working hard, enjoying life a little, and enjoying some company.
Then it started to unravel...
To be continued.
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Donny Hathaway self titled album, track #14
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