Sometimes I wonder why we do all of this. A close friend once told me that it's all about finding the best partner. You go to school, get good grades, so you can get the best job possible, so you can make the most money, so you can buy the best toys. have the best cars, houses and trinkets and have the most free time so you can look the best and attract the best girl. Period. That's what he figured. Problem is that that doesn't quite apply to me. I like women, but not that much.
Jay-z said on "It's a Hard Knock Life" that the "nightmares of a lonely cell [are his] only hell", and I feel similarly except that the fear of settling haunts my dreams. I watch friends and strangers alike doing jobs that they hate everyday - trapped to pay for homes that they bought to impress strangers... and not being able to quit, or face the consequences. The thought of not being able to tell my boss to F off because he's stealing my ideas and presenting them as his own, or not being able to "ox" off the phone line to go to the washroom give me cold sweats. Years back, I realized that many times that big companies don't care about you - I needed time to study for my exams and asked for a leave of absence. I was denied. Within the same 24 hour period, I stayed at work 8 hours past when I was obligated to do so. The next morning I came in 15 minutes late for the board meeting and the CEO said sarcastically "nice of you to join us". I ripped up my resume and decided at that point that win, lose or draw, I would never have anyone determining my destiny again.
But that wasn't quite true either. Cause if I stop working to sit under a mango tree, they'll take my house and I won't have a place to stay. If I don't pay car insurance they'll stop me and give me a ticket and if I don't pay it, they'll lock me in a cage. So I keep paying. Keep doing.
We live in prisons of our own making, staying behind the bars of an unlocked door with nobody keeping guard but our own fears and insecurities.
I've been feeling lately like I belong to my dreams and not the other way around - and that I'm running and if I stop I'll fall down. And that the streets are watching. And that they're not only watching but they're talking now. [Shit they got me circlin the block before I'm parkin now].
All jokes aside however, I wonder if my ambition is a curse. Because it means to some extent that you never have an ordinary life. I'd love to eat ice cream while holding hands on harbourfront... but when I've done it, I've immediately felt it was an incredible waste of time that I could have been doing work with. Besides, what she loves you for is what she'll hate you for... ["I love that you're so ambitious"... "Doesn't it ever stop? "]
I'm caught somewhere between feeling that most people waste their opportunities and don't put in 100% while they're on this earth and the other extreme which is on some Jean Jacques Rosseau type ish - that man everywhere is free but everywhere is in chains.
I want to do stuff. Because I want to. Not because I have to. There's nothing worse than having to do something and not having the ability to decide.
to be continued...
I
p.s. With all this said, laughter, music and cartoons make it possible to smile.
Random hilariously stupid video(s) of the day...
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
1 comment:
Write that book homey! My co-worker just came to look in my face and see if I was ok because I was staring at the screen so intently.
Post a Comment